Feeling My Way Through Grief
“Grief is not, as I thought, a state, but a process. Like a walk in a winding valley which gives you a new landscape every few miles.”
- C.S. Lewis
I learned a long time ago that there is no way around grief. Can’t climb over it, can’t crawl under it and, as clever as I’ve tried to be, no way to sneak around it. The only way through grief is through it. For the newly bereaved (and for anyone who is in a “hit of grief” at any point on their journey), travelling this road is painful, confusing and downright terrifying in moments. So as we plot a course through this sometimes foggy landscape of grief, it’s helpful to have a few definitions to guide us in our grief work.
Grief/Grieving:
“is the constellation of internal thoughts and feelings we have when someone we love dies…In other words, grief is the internal meaning given to the experience of loss” – Alan Wolfelt
Mourning:
“is when you take the grief you have on the inside and express it outside of yourself.”- Alan Wolfelt
“it is conventional outward signs of grief for the dead; public, shared expression of a person’s thoughts, behaviours and emotions related to a loss” – Yvette Perreault*
Bereavement:
“is the state of having suffered a loss: physical or symbolic; the state of sorrow over the death or departure of a loved one.” i.e. she is a bereaved mother because of the death of her child – Yvette Perreault
While we know that grief affects us at all levels of our being – physical, emotional, mental/attitudinal, spiritual, social/sexual – for many, the first thing we think of when it comes to grief is feelings. Most definitions of grief and bereavement make some reference to emotions – and for a lot of us, here’s where the terrain becomes the most treacherous to navigate.
“I’m afraid if I start to cry, I’ll never stop”
“I’m so angry, I could scream”
“I feel so hopeless, I can’t even get out of bed”
“I feel so sad, I don’t know if I will ever recover”
These, and many other expressions of deep, emotional pain, are commonly heard amongst bereaved people. It’s no wonder then that we might be tempted to avoid feeling our feelings altogether – it sounds pretty overwhelming! But if we are truly going to find a way to “live with our grief”, experiencing the myriad emotions and feelings that spring from our losses is one of the essential tasks of “grief work”.
Grief is also described by Yvette as “the process that allows us to say good-bye to what was and get ready for that which is yet to come.” Warden’s Tasks of Mourning requires us to “work through the pain of grief”. Rando’s 6 Processes of Mourning include “reacting to the separation, a process that involves experiencing the pain, feeling, identifying, accepting, and expressing reactions to the loss.” Continuing Bonds Theory requires emotional work in order to “find ways to adjust and redefine your relationship to (the) person (who died), allowing for a continued bond with that person that will endure, in different ways and to varying degrees, throughout your life. All of these well-researched grief theories require the confrontation with and metabolizing of emotions.
Yet how many of us were taught that emotions were normal, that they were welcome and that we could express them freely? How many of us received guidance as children (or adults!) on being with our feelings in a healthy and safe way? On the other side of the equation, how many of us have the capacity to sit well with others’ emotional expressions, to be present without fear, judgment or moving to fix or change how a person is feeling?
Instead, we are taught to mask, minimize or deny our feelings. We’ve received messages our whole lives about “appropriate” behaviour related to feelings. Some of those messages are gender-based like “big boys don’t cry”, some we absorb from our families, others are influenced by our faith, culture, personality and life experiences.
A British-born friend describes their family as the “suck it up” type of grievers – which essentially left them no room or permission to express their feelings. Black women are under pressure to be strong and self-sufficient; on top of which their grief is often unrecognized. Black women often feel they must “be strong” for their family (especially their children), that they cannot allow themselves to feel or show any kind of “weakness” (i.e. crying) – they can’t afford to, as they are responsible for so much in their lives and communities. Even the language of feelings discourages us with its negativity and judgment. People who express emotions openly are described as “falling apart” or “losing it”. And how many times do we hear someone say “I’m sorry” while they are crying? What on earth is there to be sorry for?! How and where did you learn about emotions? What messages have you absorbed about feelings?
Psychologist Susan David says in The Gift and Power of Emotional Courage, that “tough emotions are a part of our contract with life. Discomfort is the price of admission to a meaningful life”. Susan, who lost her father at a young age, encourages us to develop “emotional agility: the ability to be with your emotions with curiosity, compassion and courage.” To do that, one needs to understand that emotions aren’t good or bad, they are simply, as Susan says: “data – not directives”. Because the “radical acceptance of all our emotions – even the messy, difficult ones – is the cornerstone to resilience, thriving and true authentic happiness.”
One approach to developing emotional agility might be to think of your emotions as bubbles in a glass of soda or champagne (the beverage being your emotional body). As you experience a feeling – sad, mad, scared, happy, love, desire – that feeling floats up through your emotional body and when it reaches the “surface”, like a bubble at the top of a glass of soda, it POPS and evaporates into the air.
If you “put a lid” on your “bubbles” - actively trying to block them from traveling up their path through your emotional body - not only will you experience a build-up of “negative or hard” emotions (and that in turn will impact you physically, mentally etc.) – but you will also block yourself from experiencing the more “welcome or pleasurable” emotions of joy and peace and love from bubbling up in you.
Put another way: avoiding your feelings can lead to emotional indigestion. And just like having a good burp can ease your physical discomfort after chugging a glass of soda, letting yourself experience and express your emotions will lead to a softening of your emotional body as well.
How do we soften our emotional bodies? How do we learn to befriend our emotions rather than fear them? Many years ago, a mentor and friend counselled me to “lean into” my pain. In those deepest, darkest moments of grief, to really let myself feel the sorrow and pay attention to what happens. Listen to the sounds my body makes, notice the words that come to mind and try to remember that this is just another bubble that will eventually move through me and pop. If you’re afraid to cry because you don’t think you’ll be able to stop, think about this: Have you ever heard of anyone laughing so much they couldn’t stop or being joyful indefinitely? Try to think of sadness as just another feeling, another bubble: remember to breathe and trust that the moment of intense pain will ease.
Leaning into the pain has also been described as “being in the pit” (think of peaks and valleys – experiencing the painful emotions of grief can be a very deep valley). If you’re new at this, venturing into the pit unaccompanied may not be such a good idea. A trusted friend or family member who can sit with you, a fellow bereaved traveler, or a counselor may be enlisted to provide comfort and safety.
“Courage is not an absence of fear; courage is fear walking”
-Susan David
Despite multiple and ongoing loss experiences in my life, grief hasn’t broken me. I’ve learned that living fully requires me to stand bravely and honestly in the fullness of my humanity: tears, fears and anger as well as joy, love and peace. And when standing is impossible, and I am brought to my knees in despair, I try and remember the following:
“I bow in reverence before the emotions of every melted heart. We have a human right to our sorrow. To blame the deep grief that bereavement awakens is to censure all strong human attachments. The more intense the delight in their presence, the more poignant the impression of their absence; and you cannot destroy the anguish unless you forbid the joy. A morality which rebukes sorrow rebukes love. When the tears of bereavement have had their natural flow, they lead us again to life and love's generous joy.”
-James Martineau
This is my ongoing grief work. It’s hard, but it’s worth it. And I don’t do it alone. Learning how to meet my emotions with grace, letting those bubbles work their way through me, has allowed me to remember with love, all of the people I’ve lost. I can tell their stories with more smiles than tears. And when the deep sorrow comes, I know it’s here to stretch out my heart so it can hold more joy.
*With thanks and appreciation to friend and mentor Yvette Perreault, Principal Consultant of Good Grief Care and co-founder of the AIDS Bereavement Project of Ontario (www.abpo.org)
And Derek Scott whose bubbles metaphor has been of enormous benefit in my personal and professional journey through grief.