Showing Up When Grief Comes to Work

Grief is a normal, natural response to losses of all kinds, though it is painful, confusing, and disruptive to varying degrees. A significant loss—not just due to death—will affect each person uniquely.

Our workplaces are constantly impacted by loss of all kinds, and employees are learning to live with the resulting grief. Whether dealing with a personal loss in our family or circle of friends, or the death of a client, service user, volunteer, colleague, or other stakeholder, it helps to know a little bit about this thing called grief.

Understanding Grief, Bereavement, and Mourning

Grief is “The internal constellation of thoughts and feelings we have when someone/something dies… in other words, grief is the internal meaning given to the experience of loss.” — Alan Wolfelt

Bereavement is the state of having suffered a loss. For example, “Sam is a bereaved mother/in a state of bereavement. Her daughter died two months ago.”

Mourning is “When you take the grief you have on the inside and express it outside of yourself.” — Alan Wolfelt Mourning is often done in community and can take many forms—including activism. More on mourning rituals will be explored in a future article.

Broader Impacts of Grief

We also grieve the losses resulting from organizational change and transition. A key aspect of change is the psychological process people go through in order to let go of the familiar and move forward with the desired ‘new.’ Of course, there are also the deaths in our world: natural disasters, unjust killings, overdose deaths and the opioid crisis, horrific accidents, and even celebrity deaths. These moments often garner collective mourning and sometimes give us permission to grieve together (parasocial grief).

Although grief and loss are inevitable parts of life, our varied reactions to death and loss remain topics we rarely consider or discuss with others, particularly colleagues in our workplaces.

Supporting a Bereaved Colleague

Key Points to Remember:

There is no timetable for grief.
Contrary to popular belief, there are no set stages or steps one must go through. Grief is not a linear process but may manifest in common ways.
Everyone grieves uniquely. There is no right or wrong way to grieve.
Grief is experienced within a social context.
Coping strategies vary. Some people work things out by expressing their emotions, while others may prefer staying productive, searching for meaningful information, or keeping their grief private.
While grief is the natural reaction to loss, it is typically not resolved by the time workers return from bereavement leave. In fact, by the time the leave ends, the initial shock of a loved one’s death is often just wearing off, and true grieving has only begun. This means our teammates will be grieving while doing their jobs.

What Can I Do?

1. Get Comfortable with Grief

It’s common to feel uncertainty, fear, frustration, worry, and even judgment about our bereaved colleagues. It’s important not to let our own discomfort get in the way of expressing kindness, patience, and compassion to our co-workers who are grieving.

2. Be Aware

Those experiencing grief may show it in many ways—including not at all. Numbness, tears, sadness, anger, withdrawal, mental confusion, difficulty concentrating, blocked creativity, exhaustion, and other physical ailments are all normal and may be vital parts of the grieving process. You can support your colleague by helping them understand that their painful feelings are normal and okay to express.

3. Be There

Be present, patient, and authentic. Take the time to be with your colleague and meet them where they are. Some may want to talk about their loss, while others may not. Respect each person’s unique needs regarding how they want to be in the workplace.

4. Listen

If someone does want to talk, all you need to do is listen. Silence is okay. Being a calm and peaceful presence is welcome. You don’t need to say anything, ask questions, or give advice.

5. Be Authentic

Even if you don’t know what to say, being yourself and showing kindness and concern will be appreciated. People value sincerity more than perfect words.

6. Avoid Hurtful Clichés

While grieving people may use certain phrases themselves, it’s best to avoid saying:

“It’s a blessing that they’re no longer suffering.”
“Time heals all wounds. Keep yourself busy.”
“Your loved one is in a better place.”
“You have so much to live for.”
“Count your blessings.”
“Keep your chin up… be strong.”
“It’s the will of [God/Allah/Jehovah/Yahweh/Buddha/Brahma].”
“I know just how you feel,” as each person’s grief is unique. If you don’t know what to say, a simple, honest response is better than advice.

The Importance of Acknowledgement

One of the greatest fears people express about talking to a bereaved person is the worry that they might “remind them of something painful.” Let me assure you: I never forget that my parents have died. Most grieving people yearn to have their loved one remembered and their absence acknowledged. Avoiding the bereaved person may add to their pain.

The grief of a friend or colleague can also remind us of our own losses. Talk to one another, seek support (from a manager, HR, or EAP provider), and visit resources that normalize your experience and give you clues to navigate this often confusing experience of grief. Whether people talk about it or not, know that you are in the company of mourners—in your family, community, and workplace.